Tuesday, August 23, 2011

L-O-L-A Lola

Hello my lil lovelies,

I was up at 3:30 this morning t get ready to bring FFNL to the hospital for scheduled surgery. She had to be here by 5 and even though I am a light sleeper and the slightest noise wakes me up, I always wake up super early before my alarm goes off in case my alarm doesn't wake me up. Odd, I know. I have my alarm set to the radio. Back in the day, I had the buzzer go off and it would scare the bajeezums out of me. It was not as enjoyable as you may imagine to wake up every morning to a heart attack. So I got a new alarm clock that's all sorts of fancy schmancy and it turns on to the radio (yes I realize most alarm clocks do just that but I wanted a fancy schmancy alarm clock. shoosh!)

I'm not all that familiar with driving around the city because I usually take the train when I'm in the city because it's so much easier but I was not about to make FFNL take the train to surgery at the buttcrack of dawn so I drove her in. I bought a Garmin GPS last summer which I just adore and could not possibly function with out so I set it up and headed on my way.

FFNL commented a few times on it and I told her how I have the system set with the British woman's voice. When my cousin AAron and his girl friend came out to visit this summer, we decided to name her Lola because the name seemed to fit her. We needed a name for her so that we knew what to refer to her as when we cursed her out. You see, Lola has it out for me.

Very often, I'll start up the GPS when I know at least the beginning of the trip because it takes FOREVER for it to get going. It 'retrieves satellites' for quite a while!! So, I'll get going on my trip and she'll kick on and start telling me where to go. Very often, I'll know that where she's sending me is not a good part of town or the roads are really bad in that area or etc so I'll ignore her directions. Lola does not like this. To get even with me for ignoring her directions, she will wait until she knows I need her, and she will start spewing ridiculous directions and send me to my destination in a round about way. She likes to do this to me most often when I'm trying to get to my sister's BFF's apartment.

One most memorable time, sis's BFF and I were on the highway stuck in traffic, not moving and Lola decided to recalculate and told me to take an immediate turn. We were on a bridge. With no exits. A few minutes later, she decided to recalculate again. We hadn't moved. And then she did it yet again! We could do nothing but laugh!! Luckily I was semi familiar with where we were and where we were going so she didn't mess us up too badly. After that, we decided it was appropriate to give her a full name. She reminded me of that auto insurance commercial with the guy pretending to be a GPS system calmly giving directions and then shouting opposite directions, causing the driver to get into an accident (you know which one I'm talking about. I refuse to say the name because I'm bitterly angry at that particular insurance company and they don't deserve mention in my blog). Now her full name is Lola Mae Hem. Get it? I'll give you a minute.

My GPS comes with an American voice as well. It's a very deep very boring kinda creepy woman's voice that I just can not tolerate listening to. It may SEEM like an insult but it is not meant as such, I decided to name that voice Maude after the fantastic Bea Arthur because it just makes me giggle.

On the drive in this morning, I was giving a run down of this whole scenario to FFNL and she told me while chuckling that I should write a book and I thought 'No, I should write a blog!' and so ... here it is!

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